Hope...a small, shining light of it....

There is hope yet....even if a small little bit of it. I have been working on controlling myself, and offering information, rather than waiting to be asked. I know my window of opportunity is running short, and I hope I'm using what time I have left wisely.  

I had a short burst of not having a phone. I was awestruck by the feeling of lost I had. I remember when I got my first cell phone, and only took it with me on bikeing trips, or long walk-abouts in case I got lost or hurt. Now it rarely leaves my side. Sometimes I put in my pocket (if I have one) before I go to the bath room. It's become scary now that I actually think about it. 

Somehow, I've become connected. When I was young and growing up, I enjoyed just taking off and going. Not to get anywhere, but just to go - to be somewhere - to exist off on my own. I rarelly asked anyone along, although I might tell someone I was going. Maybe not where, because I might not actually go where planned. Or because it was such a large area of destination that they'd never find me. It felt good to not be connected. There are times when I miss that feeling of self. It is reassuring to have "the network" behind you if you need them, but it's good to know that they are an option, you know, in case of emergency.

When you're being cradled by so many comfortable, loving arms, it's really difficult to stand on your own. I miss the feeling of being one of the cradling arms. Someone worries about me now. A lot. And I worry about her, too....

-----

I'm going to go track down something to eat. Maybe a wildebeast, or an albatross....maybe even some pasta in a bowl. Hmmmm......

phone update

Yes I know it was quick and I should have waited to send the other email out. I've already got my phone working again. I'm pretty sure all my contacts were saved on the phone and not the card, and my number is still the same number  713 478 9701.

**hugs** and **more hugs**

I'm glad I'm still able to keep in touch ((even if I don't exersize the priveledge)

Chris J

stolen phone

For those of you that need to contact me, don't do it by phone. My phone was stolen earlier this evening. Although the phone itself was recovered, the SIM card was removed and has not been found.

Until I update everyone with a new number or let you know that the old one is still good, reach me through email, myspace, facebook. However....just not by phone. Blah.

Hop you all had a great holiday break and have a blast on the ones coming up.

Hugs and kisses all,
Chris

Less than perfect...

I've never been good at being introspective. Its just something I can't concentrate on. I can sit around and enjoy the quiet of the moment, and can even find the quick quiet spaces within a crowded room of tumultuous conversations cascading around me. It's not that I haven't tried. I just have such a hard time keeping my mind inside me and not stretching out to experience.

I've led most of life just being me. Off by myself, watching others, content. If I went out, I went, not really bothering to invite others. If invited I would join in. Either way I was just as happy, but I don't think I really was *part* of the group. Just with them. And as open as I am, and sharing with so many people, I don't think I've ever been part of someone or at least had someone else be a part of me.

It's not that I don't want to share, and be shared. But I know how foolish I can be, and clumsy, and wildly wandering, and I think that I don't want someone worrying over or about me. If I'm okay, or if I'm leaving and where, of if I'm coming back and when. Because I know I'll be okay. I will. This I know. I've made up my mind, and I have the ability. I will be okay.

When I leave, I'm not looking to get away from where I am or who I'm with exactly. Just to get out. Around. Not looking to be constrained by time or distance. Somewhere to let my mind float and just enjoy what's around without pressure to talk about it or be concerned about the state of being of those near me.

I will come back. I will always come back. As many times as you let me.

Gobbledygoo....

That's pretty much how I'm feeling at the moment. Not only am I drinking rum (straight) and not pulling a face each time, but I'm also freshly single. While not delving into details, the dissolution of the intimate relationship was a result of me being a dumbass. As the vague story goes, I was not totally forthcoming about details of an encounter that transpired one afternoon over lunch. This omission of fact was the last straw (3rd strike) of my dumbassedness.

I cannot say why I wasn't completely honest. I don't internalize well, nor as often as I should. As most as I can say it's like there's a wall that I want/need to get over/through. There's a gate, but no handle or latch on my side, and I can't get through to the other side until someone opens the gate. She's done being the gatekeeper, and I don't blame her.

Damn. I like rum.

Freedom has it's good points/feeling too, so I try to concentrate on those so that I don't feel so bad about the price I'm paying for it. I'm not happy about what I did or the way things transpired, but I am glad that we are at least still on amicable terms.

Shit, shit, shit.

Early comes too soon. Tomorrow is voting day and it'll be my first time. Yes, I know, Subject change, but hello....drinking. I hope the line isn't too long. While I don't particularly mind waitning in lines, I've planning on being at work at 830 or so and don't particularly like to be late.

Blah. The sleepy suddenly hit me. I'm going to bed. I will talk to you all next time, and hopefully I won't be so drinky or rambley at the time.

G'nite all!

Keep on smiling and stay as bright as the future.

**Wow the backspaced key got used a LOT for this post....**

Damn.

I know this is cryptic to mostly everyone out there, but, "Damn." Depending on how the fates lay out the days ahead, the obscurity may be explained. For the moment however, I'll just let the reader's imagination fill a story around that short li'l word. If you wish, assume that I just ate a great meal, or possibly stubbed my toe on a desk. Heck, maybe I even sliced a knuckle on a veggie slicer at work (true story) but not the one pertaining to the moment.

Internet after Ike

So we are once again connected to the internet.  Still a month after Ike devastated our neighborhood, and our cable provider still is not back up to full capacity. There is no TV to watch, which I am not so disappointed about. Others disagree about the necessity of cable for the TV.

Cable internet is also out, so I went to Tmobile and asked them if they could help. As I figured, they had such as a device as I was requiring for the computer. Our friends with Sprint have one as well. There's seems to move data a little faster, but at least we're on again, and don't have to feel like I'm inhibiting our friends' usage.

Lovely loverly luvrly....

Out in the woods

Found a few little pieces of sand near where I live. Galveston being about an hour and a half away, is much further than the 5 minute bicycle ride to get here; some sandy patches are probably a little closer. Rain or shine they woods surrounding this little creek is a great place to wander through and relax.

There is a downside, though. It sits right behind our entire neighborhood. Everyone has access to it, which while I'm not saying I want to close it off to public access, one tends to experience interesting encounters. While out I've seen various animals, ATVs, dirtbikes, campfires, and a van with a strange guy holding a shovel.

Wait, what? A van in the woods? Next to a guy with a shovel....that's right.

So I stand there a bit watching as he stands next to a puddle (huge puddle) and eventually he starts looking around and sees me. We say hey and talk a bit, and while I still haven't decided if he really is creepy or not, he seemed okay for the moment. He did say he doesn't see many out in the woods not on a 4-wheeler or dirtbike though. Apparently he drives around the woods pretty often and has for years. Interesting.

I'm pretty sure we both weirded each other out a little bit though. While he looked about like I would figure a man who drove out in the woods to dig with a shovel woould look, this is what he saw walking through the woods. Across my back was my bag holding my juggling sticks, tripod, umbrella, and at the time the hoop was collapsed and in the bag as well. I'm just extremely glad he wasn't crazy, nor walked up on me while I was on the beach.

Well...things happen....

Well. There you go. I got let go from my job today. Not for anything I did wrong exactly. It's just that I wasn't as up to speed with the skills as they had hoped me to be. Blah. Oh, well. These things happen.

It is at least a little experience under the belt, and a few weeks of learning that I'm not as lost as I thought I was, but I've still got some learning to do.

So this evening, I went and chilled out at the pool for a bit and then went out drinking at a couple of bars. Not to get sh*tfaced, but because there was a social gathering going on with a bunch that I haven't seen in a looooong while.

I like music and watching people as I drink. Kinda relaxing.

Now to bed, and then up to go relax over the weekend at Darbi's parents. I'm going to bring some paint, and a couple of canvases, drawing stuff, and the laptop. Hopefully get a lot stuff done that isn't important in the least. Maybe even bike ride a little down some old country roads.

**grin**

If I remember when I get back, I'll let you know how it goes.

G'nite, all. Take care. Have a happy 4th of July tomorrow....

**hugs**
Chris

time and how to fill it....

I was at a memorial for a dear friend that recently passed, and although the speech was a little preachy for my taste, one section stood out and I had to fight back laughter and comments.

And God knows and loves everything about you down to the hairs on your head. Counting the hairs on a head is near impossible, but not for God. He knows and counts them because he loves you.

This may not be exactly how it went but it's close. I think it may not necessarily be cause he loves you that he knows the count of all the hairs on everyone's head.

He's got infinite time.

Really, what else is he going to do.

Rewards for kindness

It happened a few nights ago. I was out delivering an order at some apartments that had kind of a screwy numbering system that made it difficult to find a certain number apartment. In addition, the plaques displaying each buildings apartment numbers were poorly positioned or poorly lit.

So, I drive around a bit looking here and there for apartment #91. No luck.

In one of the parking lot divisions were a couple of kids, roughly 9 years of age, just hanging out around some of the landscaping. I pull up and stop to look for another numbers plaque and possibly ask the kids for directions.

As I'm looking at the buildings, I hear a li'l squeaky voice, "I like your car!"

"Thanks," says I, "I like it, too. Maybe ya'll can help me out." That's right. I say ya'll. "I'm looking for apartment 91. Do you know which building it might be in?"

The boy looks about and points. "I think it might be in that building there."

"Cool, thanks." And as I'm pulling closer, I hear the girl say, "He told you the wrong answer! I know where it is!" Turns out the boy was just visiting, and pulling a wild guess out of his ass.

After asking if she was sure she knew, and getting an enthusiastic confirmation, I follow her as she hops on her (or the boy's) bike. Sure enough, I was way off and she leads me right to it.

I take the food to the door and on the way back to my car I pocket $2.00 of my tip, drive back to where the kids are hanging about, and pull up to them again.

I feel a little creepy as I ask what the girl's name was. "E***" she tells me.

"Well, thank you, E***," I tell her and hand her the two dollars. "Ya'll have a good night."

As I'm driving off I hear her squealing and giggling. Both yell a thank you as I pull out of the parking lot. Hearing her excitement over the dollars kind of made my night. I definitely think kindness should be rewarded, especially when no reward is expected.

My biggest hope is that she kept both dollars and did not share with the boy.

Seriously!

If you're too daft to realize you almost merge into another car and then honk and frown at them, get out of your car and stay out. 

I'm driving home today and, after looking for a turn signal that wasn't there, start to pass a truck going 30 in a 40 mph zone. As I'm passing him, he seems to be either weaving, or slowly edging over. As our vehicles are lined up, he honks at me, again! What? Once I'm pretty much past him, he honks again! So reach out the window and waggle my pointer finger in the air as if to say, "Hey you! Be careful, someone could get hurt."

Reaching the (red) light not far up the road, he stops next to me and as I look at him he's scowling and shaking his head at me, like I was the one in the wrong. WTF? Seriously.

Honking and scowling is not something you have the right to do at someone you nearly merge into with your car. By age 75 or so, this is something you should realize.

Not trying to be rude, but his head reminded me of an imploded lump of lumpy mashed potatoes wearing huge glasses and a trucker cap. I'm just saying.

Update...

Yay for a new job! It feels good to be productive again, and doubly so because I'm doing something I really like to do. I'm working as a web designer for a small business that designs sites and logos for small (and large) businesses. So far there's only three people working here. Me, the boss, and her husband.

Downside to the job..hmm..my hands hurt a little more than normal, but that's just because I'm not used to typing so much at one time.

Upsides: I'm indoors in an office, at a desk with a computer. I've got steady hours and pretty good pay. I get to practice and enhance my web designing skills.

Woo!

The relationship with Darbi is back to a normal status at the moment....hopefully for the long run this time. We keep looking and talking about moving out of the Woodlands and either further out into the country or into a downtown-ish place. The Woodlands area is nice but we both think we'd rather have either woods, or city - not so much of the blend we find here.We'll see.

Lunch is almost over....back to the designing board...

Chris

Oops!

Oh MAN! I take much too long to update any of my online projects. I'm just sayin'.

Things are going good by the way. MUCH better than a little while back.




Hopefully it won't be another month or however long before I remember blogger, and actually log in.

... ... ... ...

Things have definitely taken a turn. I had thought things were getting better and on a steady rise. Suspicion however dies hard, and misunderstanding of levels of disclosure have taken it's toll. It has been said that there are things to say to fix things, however, most of what I would say has ben repeated many times, and although the meaning is deep, the words are hollow. I've hurt a very special someone badly several times, and although try not to, and will keep trying not to, I can't help but feel that it will happen again. As much as I try to listen to what she says and follow the guidelines set, things end up going badly. Quite possibly a misunderstanding of sorts, even if I she nods her head when I repeat back how I understood it.

I am packing my belongings up. At her request I am looking for other living arrangements. I'd fight to stay, to belong, and be accepted back, but I don't know how to fight for what I want. Too often I let too many emotions and thoughts cloud my view of what I want. This time is no different. 

I thought things were getting better. Now, who knows?

Tears of joy and sadness...

I am no longer the proud owner of Molly, the wonderful 1973 VW microbus. It now belongs to a local church. I'm extremely happy that went to an owner that should have funds enough to keep her alive and hopefully well.

Later this week I should be driving around in my new Honda Element. Oooooh.....ahhhhh.... Maybe not a NEW Element, but new to me, and definitely newer than Molly. Hopefully no later than Friday, and possibly as soon as tomorrow.

Wow.

10:03 p.m. This 15th Night of March, 2008.

I'm sitting here awake now at almost 2am unable to get to sleep. I am awake! and aware!, more now than I have been in a long while. I'm remembering more of who I used to be. Feeling more of the youth that I was and what I had.

A many of my friends I know have waited for me to remember myself like this. I have been waiting for a while as well. Today is the day I stop waiting (I know, I know - technically it's night) and take a firm hold on my life and the direction I want it to go in.

• Possibly, a haircut.

"Oh, noo!!" I hear in shrieks of protest, "Not your beautiful curls!"

Yes. The beautiful curls. Gone but not forgotten. The spirit will remain alive and burn ever so brightly and with as much music as before. But as everything develops, the exterior becomes sleeker and more efficient. Think Ipod compared to the 8-track. Same groovin tunes inside, new sleek exterior that you don't have to carry around in suitcase.

• Wardrobe may need some cleaning out.

It's high time I weed out some of the old Tshirts and bring in some new pocket T's and button-ups with cool collars. Maybe. Get me into some slacks now and again for no reason and find some jeans that aren't covered in VW grease and paint. I'm not stopping with the skirts though. Those are damn comfy. I plan on investing on some new ones of those as well.

• This list ought've been more than two bullets long.

Now it is. AND! I got to use "ought" and in a contraction, even!


**raises his arm to the night air, drink in hand, and says a toast**

To the past, ever fading and living forever;
To the present, formed by our past and ever changing;
To the future, we know not what it holds but we bear it together.

To this I sign my name:

Christopher Cory Jones
15 MAR 2008

WTF!

Seriously. WTF?

Spring break comes along, so I've got plenty of time to work on the website I haven't touched almost 4 years, catch up on some homework I was lagging on, and just waste a lot of time in general. Nope. So much for those plans. My computer has always had a few li'l glitches and hangups, but recently has been a bit slow. I go to restart and it won't boot up. Not only is it not booting up, it's not detecting hard drives, or RAM. Also the CD drives aren't getting power, and I've no idea if the hard drives are as well or not. And now that my monitor is in power-save mode I can't see what's going on at all, unless I activate it using the keyboard. Oh yeah...computer won't boot up far enough to let me. Son of a gun. Seriously.

Also, no one is buying my van. Sad as I am to be selling it, I'm really eager to have her off my hands and get some cash for a down payment on a newer car. I even called the pick-a-part junkyard, and they said they wouldn't take it because apparently it's "too big for the crusher" after no one wants it and they are done with it. Seriously. A little hippie van too big for their crusher.

So, I called Carmax (because "we'll buy anythng") and they actually said they'd buy it. Drove it in for an appraisal, and after about half an hour or so they came back with an amount that my van was worth to them. $50.00. That's right. Five-zero. Granted all they were going to do is send it to an auction block and can't guarantee any return on their part, but I was at least hoping for maybe 500. Ouch. However, the guy that was helping me out, told me about a program called AirCheckTexas sponsored by the Houston-Galveston Area Council. Meeting the requirements of the program, I am eligible to receive a voucher to take to the dealer with my vehicle and get 3000 off a trade in. Pretty sweet, no?

Hopefully in about 2-3 weeks, I'll be driving around in a newer and more reliable, although substantially less stylish, vehicle.


Also, the heater broke in the house again. Same night the temperature dropped to the mid-thirties (wtf?) It is once again fixed though. Not as major as last time we had no heat.

School is going well. Passed my Tai Chi midterm, doing reasonably well in my Programming class, multimedia class, and web design class.

I think that recaps pretty well for now. Mainly I wanted to gripe about my PC being crappy and deciding to hate me.

Til next time,
Stay warm and stay smilin' !
CJ

$ Money $

First, we have heat again! I finally got off my lazy bum and walked across the street to tell our landlord the heater was out. That same day, he sent someone over and it was fixed. Woo! No more space heater being the only source of heat for a room!

And today, Darbi checked the bank account and told me that we've got money! How rich are we?, I ask. Well my tax rebate came in as well as the VA's payment for my January schooling. A little surprise to me was an extra few hundred in the reimbursement deposit from the VA. Very nice.

So, I am currently about to start paying bills off. Nearly all of them will get money. It's such a weight off the chest to not be so behind again.

And as soon as Darbi gets paid, and my other deposit of school money comes in, I'll be well on my way to trying to get a new car. I still wish someone would contact me about buying Molly though. THAT would make a healthy down payment.

Til next time!

Update

So we've got gas now, but still no heat. Apparently the thermocoupler on the furnace is bad and the pilot won't stay lit. BUT! The water heater is good, and the stove is operable again....yay!

I can deal with a cold house as long as I can have a hot shower!

Hard Times, Good Times

Last night was kind of neat and a little tedious. We had the microwave heating up bowls of water in 4 minute intervals, the coffee pot was busy with several rounds of 12 cups of water, and we had a huge pot sitting on the propane burner several times. Eventually there was a few inches of hot water in the tub. Enough to mix with some cold water so that it was temperate enough for Darbi to sit in. I know that back and forth from the pump with buckets used to be a regular thing back in the day just for a cold bath, and heating it required a little more effort. Wow. A whole new appreciation for modern plumbing and water heaters.

Hopefully today should be the end of this. Because of some money issues, our gas was turned off last Tuesday, but should be getting restored today. Sadly, and I really am disappointed about this, I have to miss a day of school so that someone is at the house for them to restore service. Bah. I really don't like missing school. There was no estimate of arrival either, so that I might make my morning class if he comes in the afternoon, or vice versa, just a window between 7am and 8pm. Humbug!

Also, on the upside, if people are doing their paperwork in a timely manner, then about 850 dollars should be processed into our bank account; I'm hoping this week. Then, because of some notification issues and not getting reimbursed for my schooling in January, I should get that check and the check for February's attendance at the beginning of March, totalling a little over 2000. and if anyone decides to buy Miss Molly the van, that'll be another 5000.

On top of all that coming in, Darbi started her new job today. Technically it's not really a "new" job, since she worked for this company before. She is now getting paid more though, as well as getting benefits. Yay for insurance! She tells me that we should be able to afford another car payment without selling Molly, which would be great. However I'm keeping the van on the market, and will accept payment to take her off my hands. Maybe one day in the future I can get my hands on another, but currently I'm tired of struggling to keep her on the road. We'll see how that goes.

As far as new cars go, I'm thinking about a Honda Element. From what I've seen online and a couple some strangers have let me look at, it looks like it has lots of storage and room. I'm all about storage. I'll have a stronger opinion one way or the other after I test drive one or two different vehicles. None will be the same as my Molly, but times change, and things move on.

Now....back to homework. And of course, the ever so agonizing wait for the gas man.

Sadness of the moment

In case I haven't mentioned it to you, or you haven't heard it from where ever, I am selling Molly the most awesomest van on the planet. It's not exactly something that I want to do. However I feel it's something I need to do. I'm tired of all the major repairs that have needed to be done about once a year, and need something that is a little better on gas and much easier on the wallet. Molly has driven my bank account much too close to zero too many times. With any luck I can sell her for enough to buy a much newer and hopefully more reliable vehicle.

If anyone knows of anyone interested please direct them to the following

Ad at Craigslist

Ad at the Samba.com

$9,000 is the asking price. However, I 'm not firm on this and am willing to negotiate.

The plague

Sunday the plague took a strong hold of my darlin Darbi and kept her in bed for about 3 days. High fever, painful chills and horrible cough. After finally admitting that she was dying, we went to the HEB readiclinic and she was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection, given some antibiotics and sent on our way.

That was Monday after I got back from school. I did not go to school the rest of the week. The plague had nestled itself comfortably in my system and hit me about midnight that night. Between burning up if I stayed still, and painfull chills if I moved, I may have gotten 30 minutes of sleep at a time the rest of the night. In the morning (about 1130am) I drag my carcass over to the couch. I am forced to take some medicine. I know it's for my own good so I don't put up too much of a fight.

Three days of suffering. Fever remained over a hundred. I was sweaty but if I moved even the slightest bit, chill bumps and pain, cough up nasty lung crud.....Three days. The only things I had eaten were 2 sips of some broth the first day, leftover pasta and grill cheese sandwich for day two, and on the third I managed half a PB&J sandwich. While I was on one couch, Darbi was covered up on the other with the same ailments as I.

On that third night, I took a shower. The best shower I've ever had in a while. It felt so good to feel clean. A few more hours on the couch and I was actually feeling pretty good. I felt I would sleep well, I wasn't overly hot, and wasn't coughing so much anymore.

Indeed, I slept well. A full 6 hours when Darbi's alarm went off. And then a few more after she went to work. I am feeling really well. The sunshine is once again shining in my life. Darbi says she is feeling better, but she thought that a few days ago too and was mistaken.

I hope for the both of our sakes, we're really over it for good.

*hugs*