Less than perfect...

I've never been good at being introspective. Its just something I can't concentrate on. I can sit around and enjoy the quiet of the moment, and can even find the quick quiet spaces within a crowded room of tumultuous conversations cascading around me. It's not that I haven't tried. I just have such a hard time keeping my mind inside me and not stretching out to experience.

I've led most of life just being me. Off by myself, watching others, content. If I went out, I went, not really bothering to invite others. If invited I would join in. Either way I was just as happy, but I don't think I really was *part* of the group. Just with them. And as open as I am, and sharing with so many people, I don't think I've ever been part of someone or at least had someone else be a part of me.

It's not that I don't want to share, and be shared. But I know how foolish I can be, and clumsy, and wildly wandering, and I think that I don't want someone worrying over or about me. If I'm okay, or if I'm leaving and where, of if I'm coming back and when. Because I know I'll be okay. I will. This I know. I've made up my mind, and I have the ability. I will be okay.

When I leave, I'm not looking to get away from where I am or who I'm with exactly. Just to get out. Around. Not looking to be constrained by time or distance. Somewhere to let my mind float and just enjoy what's around without pressure to talk about it or be concerned about the state of being of those near me.

I will come back. I will always come back. As many times as you let me.

Gobbledygoo....

That's pretty much how I'm feeling at the moment. Not only am I drinking rum (straight) and not pulling a face each time, but I'm also freshly single. While not delving into details, the dissolution of the intimate relationship was a result of me being a dumbass. As the vague story goes, I was not totally forthcoming about details of an encounter that transpired one afternoon over lunch. This omission of fact was the last straw (3rd strike) of my dumbassedness.

I cannot say why I wasn't completely honest. I don't internalize well, nor as often as I should. As most as I can say it's like there's a wall that I want/need to get over/through. There's a gate, but no handle or latch on my side, and I can't get through to the other side until someone opens the gate. She's done being the gatekeeper, and I don't blame her.

Damn. I like rum.

Freedom has it's good points/feeling too, so I try to concentrate on those so that I don't feel so bad about the price I'm paying for it. I'm not happy about what I did or the way things transpired, but I am glad that we are at least still on amicable terms.

Shit, shit, shit.

Early comes too soon. Tomorrow is voting day and it'll be my first time. Yes, I know, Subject change, but hello....drinking. I hope the line isn't too long. While I don't particularly mind waitning in lines, I've planning on being at work at 830 or so and don't particularly like to be late.

Blah. The sleepy suddenly hit me. I'm going to bed. I will talk to you all next time, and hopefully I won't be so drinky or rambley at the time.

G'nite all!

Keep on smiling and stay as bright as the future.

**Wow the backspaced key got used a LOT for this post....**