I've never been good at being introspective. Its just something I can't concentrate on. I can sit around and enjoy the quiet of the moment, and can even find the quick quiet spaces within a crowded room of tumultuous conversations cascading around me. It's not that I haven't tried. I just have such a hard time keeping my mind inside me and not stretching out to experience.
I've led most of life just being me. Off by myself, watching others, content. If I went out, I went, not really bothering to invite others. If invited I would join in. Either way I was just as happy, but I don't think I really was *part* of the group. Just with them. And as open as I am, and sharing with so many people, I don't think I've ever been part of someone or at least had someone else be a part of me.
It's not that I don't want to share, and be shared. But I know how foolish I can be, and clumsy, and wildly wandering, and I think that I don't want someone worrying over or about me. If I'm okay, or if I'm leaving and where, of if I'm coming back and when. Because I know I'll be okay. I will. This I know. I've made up my mind, and I have the ability. I will be okay.
When I leave, I'm not looking to get away from where I am or who I'm with exactly. Just to get out. Around. Not looking to be constrained by time or distance. Somewhere to let my mind float and just enjoy what's around without pressure to talk about it or be concerned about the state of being of those near me.
I will come back. I will always come back. As many times as you let me.
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